I Wanted to Fall Inlove with My Body Again! & I did!
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|Posted on April 6, 2012 at 12:30 AM||comments (7374)|
|Posted on February 9, 2012 at 10:44 AM||comments (14)|
|Posted on January 22, 2012 at 6:32 PM||comments (12)|
I fell down on Friday. Stress level was a 12 or higher. Those who know what I was up against and add to that only 3 hours of sleep (bad move) have said: Oh, Susan, it's just so understandable. I broke down crying and sobbing on Friday. I was at my wits end. I started reaching out for emotional support. I left sobbing voice mails ( and I didn't even care how silly that I might have sounded) They started like this: I blah blah blah...and blah blah blah...boo hoo boo hoo...sob sob..and...I even ATE ICECREAM!! Now today is two days later and it all seems so hilarious. Gloria calls me and says: You are too cute...and at the end of your voicemail, you say...and I ATE ICE CREAM.
I had to get how funny it would be to my friends. Why? because we've all been there. But for me...my eating ice-cream wasn't planned...if it were a planned cheat I would have been just fine. But...my reaction was...of DIVING INTO THE ICE CREAM CARTON like it was going to solve my problems. But I do remember...the crunch of the little chocolate pieces somehow feeling better...and the swish of the creaminess of the ice cream swirling over my tongue temporary drowning out my sorrows. With every bite I knew that I wasn't just eating food. I was feeding a STRESS EATING ADDICTION.
Ok, so it wasn't Valium or a bottle of Vodka but I was eating it for the same reasons that others take pills or drink and that is just not okay for me to think that it's okay. In that moment it was just as bad as someone who is trying to stay away from alcohol ...taking another drink.
On the poistive side, I didn't eat as much as I would have in the past. I ate 1/4 of what I would have eaten with a STRESS Reaction.
while I don't do this everyday and my stress levels are not usually this high. My stress levels are at 1 to 4 usually and not a 12. I don't want to rationalize this and make it okay to do this again. I knew what my options were. i could have taken a walk, jumped on my mini-trampoline, got the crunch from celery (also very satisfying) but I didn't.
I thought about texting Gigi or calling her as she has called or texted me when sitting in front of some dessert but I chose NOT TO. I mean, I was hell bent on that Ice-cream and on torturing myself about it later.
ps. I just love this website that I found that shows men and women who voluntarily sent in their photos..all different heights and weights and body shapes. It helps give perspective. Check it out and let me know by posting a comment what you think too. http://www.cockeyed.com/photos/bodies/506-150.html
|Posted on January 18, 2012 at 8:39 PM||comments (31)|
At one point I did get down to 168 on Adkins but then my brother died and I came home early from the largest attendance ever for a book signing (New Orleans Barnes & Noble 1997 with over 500 people!!) to surprise my then fiance, John only to find a DEAR SUSAN letter on my computer that he was writing. He realized that he loved me but wasn't IN-LOVE with me. He also said that he realized that he wasn't treating me like a man would treat someone he was truly in love with. John, always had so much integrity. He hadn't wanted to leave me before because he grew so much with me. He had so much fun and so many adventures.
Talk about S-T-R-E-S-S? My brother had only been in his grave for 30 days and John wants to leave? My brother's story should be told someday too. It was then that I decided that though I couldn't bring back my 33 yr old brother and I couldn't argue with John's honesty and surely the pain of loss would take time to heal but.... I sure as heck wasn't going to be suffer in any other area and that included NOT starving myself on some diet. So, I decided that I was going to EAT. And eat I did. I ate a lot of comfort food that year. John and I agreed to do 10 sessions of therapy together. (another great story) and completed our relationship as the best of friends.
But here's the issue. The food never solved anything. Oh sure, I wasn't starving myself..big whoop. Ice Cream was my supposed friend that I drowned my sorrow in but why the hell didn't anyone come along and WAKE ME UP? I would have loved to have opened up the freezer and find a note inside the half eaten ice-cream carton with a fortune cookie like message staring at me. CONFUCIOUS SAY that ICE-CREAM will NEVER SOLVE your PROBLEMS. You are fat. Wake-up. What are you doing to yourself and your body? WAKE=UP. (Do you know that just before I actually started on my life changing diet regime I was getting 6:30am wakeup calls from an anonymous phone number? The guy would call me FAT ASS in SPANISH!!! Ok, I was getting the message but just not inside the ice-cream carton. (The calls stopped when I lost the "Grand Culo")
Why don't we talk to our friends about weight? Because our weight issues are just so DEEPLY PERSONAL. Whoa, too personal. No one wants to be accused of not liking or loving someone because their weight is over whatever line. My friends somehow feel the need to say: You were always beautiful, Susan. Yes that is true and thankyou. And now, I am a WOW. So let's celebrate!
I have a few friends, two to be exact that I am reluctant to even start the conversation about looking at this issue for then, but I will be. So watch out. I am getting ready to go DEEP DISH with you.
Even though, I know that they would probably do incredibly well on this diet, I've been reluctant to yet jump in and say: DO IT DO IT DO IT! Or even ask: What is stopping you? You've seen me melt? If I can do it then so can YOU.
It truly was the easiest diet of all for me. And now, I really feel like I am eating all the time. Not weighing my food, not counting calories but also not getting crazy with carbs and chocolate again. Ice-Cream. Cherry Chocolate Cordial from United Dairy Farmers was NOT my friend. CONFESSION: I did eat some ice-cream last week ...a bit too much...and enjoyed it but still lost weight because it was a ONE DAY thing. NOT an EVERYDAY thing. And...I am not taking anything, no drugs, no miracle anything and not exercising religiously either. I am now 158.4 without really trying. I have to believe that I have reset my metabolism and my body is happy at this weight.
I was 162 when I transitioned from P2 to P3 with the HCG diet. That means my 40 days of 6 drops twice per day ended and now I've done 40 days without. So I enter P4 which is Life maintenance phase. I feel truly free of food addictions. My biggest current challenge is counting how many glasses of water I drink. I swear when I started counting to make sure I drank 12 glasses of water per day is when I shed these other 4 pounds.
But again, weight is DEEPLY PERSONAL. How and when do you talk to people you care about with their WEIGHT? Truly, I would have listened if some one had tried and come across in a very loving well meaning way. I did have a great wake up call when I was at Sufi Camp back in 2004 (Maui). A former business partner, ROBERT showed up there and tried to connect with me. He wasn't so eloquent when he blurted out about my weight. "LOOK WHAT YOU"VE DONE TO YOURSELF!!" He knew me when I was 28 and a size 6/8. When he said that in that way, my brained fired back silently, SCREW YOU. and HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO ME. but, honestly, he probably did me a favor. I didn't listen to the wakeup call at the time but it did make impact. in the moment, I just felt even more HOPELESS than ever about ever losing weight. I just buried the dreams of a falling in love with my body back in the recesses of my mind. After all, I was successful, happy, and living in MAUI! You can't have it all, can you?
Now, I ask, how could he have done the same thing but have it be more effective. And..how do we broach such an untouchable subject? Just telling me eat less, exercise more wouldn't have worked. What I needed was a support system and a real way to make it happen. I didn't need to be READY, I need to be PREPARED. There is a huge difference.
I truly never thought I would ever be able to be this small again. So if I felt helpless off and on for 20 years, then what do other people feel? I mean no one wants to set themselves up for failure. I escaped this fate of being a prisoner in my body and now I feel a burning desire to WAKE-UP and SUPPORT others, even OPRAH.
I really hate it when people say the old cliche" "Well, they just weren't READY yet." Oh, BS, everyone is ready ...all the time...like really. Are you not ready to win a lottery ticket? We say those things to make our bad choices more palatable. So, we don't have to think about our choices any more.
I bought the HCG in June but didn't start it til Oct. Once I started doing it, I was like..."and why didn't I think I could do this sooner?" I went the whole summer FAT when I didn't need to.
THE BEST PART: But truly the best part about this diet is what eating so little does to your mind set. Like now, I think that I am eating so much, all the time. I don't feel deprived at all. I didn't feel deprived during the diet either. My body was still getting calories, but just from my FAT. Food becomes even more important when you aren't eating much of it and also less important. Some of you know what I mean. There were days that I felt so full that I couldn't make myself eat the required amount of calories. I remember thinking...I am supposed to eat 40 more calories but I just can't make myself.
The feeling of discipline and planning your food is a new kind of freedom that I find difficult to describe to you here. In fact, I ate alot of crab with wasabi and pico de gallo. Yum, I am missing that right now.
It's so low in cals and low in fat. I even ended up liking crunchy melba toast and looked forward to them as part of my morning routine. Definitely it's all worth it when you get on the scale everyday and see the numbers drop. When you have to throw away clothes because they are bagging off of you.
It was only 40 to 50 days folks. I spent 20 years over eating. Why the heck did that do to my body? So for 40 to 50 days, I made myself drink lots of water, get lots more sleep ( i used to sleep 4.5 hrs, now it's 6 to 7.5), took some drops under my tongue, and counted my calories using myfitnesspal.com Voila, here I am...feeling way more confident in the new year.
How can I share this liberating experience and the resulting mind set and freedom with people that I care about? How do I GO deep-DISH WITH THEM and not just surface?
I don't care who you are but I can only imagine that some of the 300 to 400 pound people out there really really must want to shed their pounds and free themselves too. They just don't think it's possible. And we just need a little bit of help from our friends. It was seeing 3 of my friends also do this Thankyou video blog ladies.
I have learned that going DEEP into a conversation...with someone you care about really gives the best results. I am currently supporting my Atlanta friend from Awesomenessfest in this diet. We text and talk. We go deep dish. We talk about all of our fears on how what's really holding us back in the area of weight and body image. It's juicy. Join us in the talk. Get down, get deep, get real with us. You know you want to see what is possible but all the: WHAT-If's get in the way. Mine were...what if I get too low blood sugar. (I have had bouts of hypoglycemia which is low blood sugar.) When I would diet before, I would feel faint eating double the calories I was on with the HCG diet. Go figure. I would get edgy, bitchy, etc... But with the HCG, I felt balanced. Even keeled. Only occasionally did I feel extra tired. Mostly I had higher energy. And HCG doesn't have any stimulants in it. No speed. No barbiturates. No caffeine. It's simply the same drug they use to help infertile women be more fertile but 1/100th less than what they take. I haven't lost my hair due to eating so little for 50 days. Nothing bad has happened. Only good things. Gigi said she felt a little overwhelmed at first buying all the right foods but that is why I put the Amazon ordering thing on my site so you can make it easy. It's really way easier than you think.
We need each other to feel supported in this. My friend, Helen was the best support since she was the one who would sit me down and say: Look at your hand. Now. When you want to over eat or break your diet. Write the EXCUSE you want to tell yourself on your HAND with a PEN and look at it. Is that EXCUSE really worth not taking care of yourself? She'd say: So you are mad at Al. You write: I am mad at Al and I want to eat. on your hand!! Look at it. What do you think when you see BS written on your hand? Well, I never had to write it on my hand but I imagined it a couple of times and I didn't even need to go there. The Visual sure helped me. Thank you Helen. I hope it helps you too.
So if you have some weight to shed and I go Deep Dish with you about why you haven't started yet etc...DIVE in with me. Let me support you. Let's get under neath it all. The real reason why. It will surprise you and free you up.
Now back to coaching. I hope you check out the video one of my best friend Joanne filmed about me. If you want a coach who goes deep dish and won't stop until you reach your goals in any area of your life. I would love to find out when you want to begin, not when you are READY. Why? Because you already are READY. You just need some support. Here's the link to the video: http://youtu.be/U_6FBOPYBwY
|Posted on January 14, 2012 at 4:30 AM||comments (24)|
THINNER REALLY IS BETTER! I've been wanting to write this blog post for some time but had a huge deadline to get my taxes completed. They aren't done yet but I've made great progress. Thinner REALLY REALLY is better. In fact it is SO MUCH BETTER that really I shouldn't have waited 20 years to lose all of this weight. Now, I look back at photos of myself from just last year and wonder: WHAT WAS I THINKING??? WHY was anything more important than my health and taking the time out of my life to really focus on this area.
I feel healthier, stronger, more confident and way more balanced. I eat more often and way healthier than ever before. and I LOOK SO MUCH BETTER! I am still getting used to life as a thin person and I get on the scale EVERY MORNING without fail. I learn EVERY DAY what the results of yesterdays eating and either exercising or not exercising amounted to.
<===SEE THE FAT PHOTO! I recently found this photo of me on my birthday 2011. (the one to your left) I remember that morning...in Palm Springs...trying to figure out what I could actually wear. Sighing loudly and feeling really awful about how big I felt that I looked. I put something on...and bravely went into my day. But, it was a turning point for me because i was thoroughly disgusted with myself and how I felt all puffy and heavy. I was even holding my dog in front of me so that my size wouldn't be so noticeable but that's NOT how I really wanted to look. I was having a good hair day and my innate aliveness apparent here but...there's that word...but....I knew that I was secretly holding myself and my potential in every area of my life back with my extra fat, flab, pounds and inches. THINNER IS BETTER. Don't kid yourself. You are important. Your daily diet is important. DID YOU HEAR ME or do I have to come down there and take that Hagen Daze out of your chubby little fingers? YOU, don't need the ice-cream, the chocolate, the sugar, the pasta, or the bread even if it did just come out of the oven and smells so good. And for God's sake and yours stop thinking you can drink diet things with Aspartame, Sucralose, and Saccharin and lose weight. It aint' going to happen. Don't make me come down there....Make a commitment to stretch your "taking care of yourself muscle" today.
I've found that I really really feel so much better on days when i eat two large servings of green veggies (not just salad greens) and two pieces of lower carb fruits. I am not tempted to eat bad things and I feel full. I regularly make the time for my meals and snacks. This is really important. And, I notice that my meal really begins with the preparation of it. NOT just the eating of it.
Cutting the onions, putting in the garlic, smelling it cooking...are just as important in the processas sitting down and consuming it. Don't rip yourselves off of the ENTIRE food preparing and eating process folks. Thinner really is better. I don't feel like I have to be concerned about style or accessories or compensating for bigger hips. I save time by just knowing that my clothes will fit and I will look good, period.
I still have places to go in this journey. As in getting into the gym and really working out all the muscle groups. A goal is seeing how to define my muscles. My skin has a ways to go to catch up with my weight loss as well. I spoke last Friday in San Francisco at Servino's Restaurant for American Singles on How to FIND DRAMA-FREE RELATIONSHIPS in 2012.
See www.MyDramaFreeRelationship.com I had it videoed and wore the red sequin dress with red striped hose and kicking red patent high heels. Stiletto's baby. I FELT GREAT!!
Was I beautiful when I was FAT? Yes. And THINNER is WAY BETTER. So if you are reading this and feeling all sorry for yourself because you just don't think that YOU can lose weight too. STOP all that mental bullshit right now. Let me kick you in the seat of your pretty pants whatever size they are. You need a support system and you need to MAKE YOURSELF and your LIFE. Your HEALTH, your WEIGHT, YOUR SIZE, all matter.
I let stupid things get in my way and stupid thinking get in my way for years. I shed 9, NINE, NINE inches off of my hips. Get a ruler out and look at what NINE INCHES LOOKS LIKE. It ain't pretty.
Don't you let STUPID THINKING get in your way either. Get support. Make time for yourself. YOU ARE IMPORTANT!
Discovering new foods that I can eat and really enjoy is one of my most fun pleasures. Ask me about Mega Green Kale Crunchies by Lydia's Organics. Yum.
Let me coach you. Answer these questions: Why is losing/shedding weight important to you?
In what ways (lol weighs) is your weight/size holding you back? What do you imagine might even be possible for you, your love life, your health, and your career if/when you actually shed the weight?
Love yourself enough to CARE about yourself. Okay, enough preaching. Back to my dang taxes. Let me know if I am getting through to any of you who are faithfully reading. Post a comment or two.
|Posted on January 5, 2012 at 9:55 PM||comments (15)|
Do you see how my mind works? I am playing with all of this information. And learning at the same time. So Doc's website brought up some questions for me. http://www.halls.md/body-mass-index/bmi.htm What is my ideal weight? What is the best percentage of water, muscle/bone mass, and fat? My measurements are pretty balanced right now with my bust 7 inches bigger than my waist and my hips only 1/2 inch different than my waist.
And...I still of course can pinch fat on my belly, thighs and the top of my hips. So, what is the right weight for me? Should I start up the diet again and take it to the next level or should I wait a bit and enjoy the fruits of my efforts at size 10?
I only remember being a size 8 for a short period of my life. I just wasn't conscious about it before that. And...I most likely was a size 6 before that. But I do remember being 118 pounds in 6th grade because the school nurse said to me in an odd tone of voice when she weighed me. "You're 118 pounds but if you don't watch out you could be FAT! Oh the dreaded words. Before that day, the word "fat" hadn't even entered my mind. I was just a kid trying to do well in school and being well, just a kid.
But somehow, I never forgot the nurse's ominous words. She said them like it was really really important but I didn't know if she was telling me that I was fat then or not.
My mother bought and made me clothes when I was in junior high and senior high, so I don't really remember what "size" I was. I really didn't have a concept of BODY. I was just "me."
I remember seeing my mom naked one day. Sorry mom but I did. It was a sunday morning and she was rushing around getting ready for church and trying to make sure us kids didn't dilly dally. I had never seen my mother naked and only saw my dad naked once when I accidentally opened the bathroom door at the wrong time. My sister will probably kill me for writing about this. Oh well. So, I see my mom naked and I remember thinking....she was soft, pale lily white, and though not muscular not too flabby either. This image imprinted on me though because I just accepted it as "What mom's are supposed to look like." I didn't think anything like. Oh, this is what I am supposed to look like or anything.
So, now at 54, it's now up to me to figure out just how I want to look? What size do I want to be? Before this commitment to transforming this area of my life, I just accepted that I would probably always be between a 12 and a 16. Being a 10 now for approximately 4 weeks shatters that thinking.
And now, having found my only natural food rhythm, a term I just made up for myself today. I know that I can maintain this size with the current food and exercise level that I am on. But, do I want to be an 8 or a 6? What is the right size for my body? What will I look like at those sizes?
Back to this BMI thing. The scale said that I was 24% fat, 60.1 % water, and of that , my muscle mass was 32.7 % and bone mass 3.4%.
Technically to not be considered FAT, I should be under 25 on the BMI scale, yet I do look good at this weight. Could I look better? I suppose. I will just ponder this whole issue for a bit longer because I would have to buy new clothes again if I change sizes and if I am going to do that, then I should go to a size 6. I've never understood this whole size thing anyway. I mean...what is a size ZERO?
My partner, Al weighs 22 pounds less than me, and we're about the same height. I think that i have 1/2 inch over him but then he doesn't have breasts so what am I really saying here? Ok, so I am rambling. Thanks for reading...the exploration will continue. I am happy to have a new scale which I hope will be more accurate than the other one but we'll see. Your comments are always welcome. Join in on the conversation. The real joy in this diet is "knowing" that I am in charge, finally, that "I" can choose my size and weight. That "food" doesn't have any mysterious power over me. If I don't burn off the food that I eat every day, I will gain FAT! It's not rocket science. But, I do have to say that using the HCG -real, not homeopathic, actually gave me that freedom. I didn't just lose the same old ten pounds, over and over and over again. Dropping close to 40 pounds is a real life changer for me. I hope that it will be for you too. There is no "going back" and thinking that I can eat two huge hunks of bread at a restaurant just because it smells good. I like it. I smell it. I put some in my mouth but I don't have to swallow it. Period. I rule Food, Food does not RULE me. she said emphatically several times in a row. Join her now. "I rule food. Food doesn't rule me!
|Posted on January 4, 2012 at 12:41 AM||comments (20)|
|Posted on December 26, 2011 at 1:22 AM||comments (10)|
Christmas Eve got me. We went over to Al's best friends house and I reached into a bowl which I thought was olives. It turned out to be chocolate covered Almonds, very dark chocolate. Yikes. Very addicting. I enjoyed each and every one. Today when I stepped onto the scale, I was up a pound so I took measures today to shift that back. Today is a protein and green veggie day.
Probably compared to past holiday parties, I did very well, but the lesson here is that I should always take some of my own food with me just to balance out what I am eating. There wasn't anything green to eat. Only carrots. I had one felafel and boy was it good. But, I have noticed that if I eat alot of green veggies, I don't have any cravings and I can resist the "bad" food. I do want to stay away from sugar to make sure my immune system can operate well. A doctor that I met at the party yesterday said that every single day, our human bodies find and eradicate 240 incidents of errant cells.
I was able to avoid the pizza til the end of the party. And I didn't eat the spinach tarts due to the carbs. But I did have indigestion at the end of the day and took my enzymes. The enzymes always help.
I sure didn't like how I felt with the diet out of control on Christmas Eve. I will remember this because i certainly like the benefits of the new skinny me over the past. Al bought me some new pajamas, sexy ones for Christmas and he got a kick out of buying mediums instead of large.
How did you or are you doing at the holiday parties that you are going to?
|Posted on December 16, 2011 at 5:23 PM||comments (28)|
I've been weighing my self everyday, well all except one when I heard my boat sunk in it's berth on Wednesday morning and I had to go meet the divers to bring her back up. I bought roasted turkey soup at the Marina Deli that day. It couldn't have been that bad for me.
And everyday...my weight fluctuates. They say it's important on P3, to weigh yourself everyday. I think, when I was 161.2, I was a bit dehydrated because I was 163 before that. But, I am trying to learn about my body via what I've been eating and drinking as well as exercise and whether I feel like I am carrying water weight.
The results are confusing but I am determined to stay with it. I feel better when I am eating food that I prepare because I can control the amount of fat used/consumed and the rest.
In many ways, it felt easier to be on P2 where calories and fat/carb intake is strict than be eating double the calories and not being sure about how it's all going to work out. I know that I worked diligently to reduce and I don't want to go down the slippery slope back the other way.
I am happy to be able to eat avocado, eggs, and bacon again but still feel a bit in the dark about eating any kind of carbs such as the Coconut Curry spiced Pretzel Pearls from World Market that I put in my soup. Or...the Wasabi flavored pearls...one portion is 42 small round balls of these. And last night, out to dinner at Casanova's the bread, oh the bread... -i only had one smaller piece-it was just too irresistible to not have some. It feels so risky to add carbs back into the diet even though I am supposed to be doubling my food intake and going light on carbs.
So, I guess, I will just stick to my milk frother for more entertainment and a feeling that I am getting some treats. i do have to say that my biggest treat is the look on everyone's faces when they see the weight I've shed and when I try on a piece of clothing from my past and it fits again and even better.
I went back to my fat free turkey broth with pico de gallo and celery with the brown miracle noodles today for lunch. very low calorie, tasty, makes me feel full and guilt-free.
I will also go check out some video blogs on HCG dieters who are on or have experienced the P3 stabilization period. I've heard that the first week to 12 days is critical to your success. Post any comments, info, or support here please.
|Posted on December 12, 2011 at 4:27 PM||comments (30)|
Back to the FROTHER. It was time to have my own. Christine paid $180 for hers. Mine was still hefty at $59.95 plus tax but...NOW I AM HOOKED.
I ripped out my PUMPKIN SPICE FLAVORED COFFEE. Brewed it up and set the frother in motion. WOW! the texture in my mouth and how beautiful it made my coffee was exciting. I added some Cinnamon Stevia (liquid by SweetLeaf) in the coffee and yummy, yummy, yummy.
I have a new TOY and will also see how much FROTH I get for 1 Tablespoon of milk and report back to you. Eating this frothy milk foam by itself was an experience. It's then, I realized how much whipped cream is a TEXTURE we miss and love. And how important TEXTURE is to our total FOOD experience.
Look for a blog post just about that and read HOW TO CHEAT WITHOUT CHEATING. I will be giving you my own ideas on how to experience food without all the bad calories. It will definitely open your eyes.
This Diet Experience or Journey has been way more about EVERY area of my life and NOT JUST about shedding pounds. It's shedding attitudes, dealing with Social Pressures when food is involved.
I mean, one of the most important things that locked into my brain was seeing how my body worked. My food cycles, hunger cycles, when I felt strong, when weak. You have them too. And I learned that really getting more sleep did help me shed more weight plus it took my mind off of food. ( Only occasionally did I feel that I needed extra sleep during this diet. I felt tired perhaps only 3 of the total days and mostly I was more energized by not medicating my body with SUGAR, CHOCOLATE, FATS...and unwanted chemicals from food additives.